My daughter was in a car wreck - was it my fault?
A few nights ago, I asked a question about my college daughter sleeping in the same bed as her boyfriend in my home. Shortly after I asked the question, I woke up the couple, and had my daughter move to another room because I didn’t want them sleeping together in my house.
From then, there was no issue with the two sleeping together, but she began sleeping on the couch in the living room, which I thought was unusual, be she reassured me that she was fine. Well, earlier tonight, she got in a car accident, with our 13 year old niece in the car. She apparently has insomnia and depression, and hadn’t slept for more than a total of four hours in the past four days. She started having hallucinations that caused her to run into a tree, totaling my wife’s car, and severely hurting herself, and my niece. She also probably overdosed on some kind of prescription medication. Just tonight, I found out that my daughter had previously been diagnosed with clinical depression, and borderline personality disorder, in addition to being an insomniac. I never knew any of that, and I don’t know why she never told my wife or I any of those things.
Both she and my niece are still in the hospital, and I don’t know how I should react when she gets out. I feel very untrusted right now, and don’t know what to say to her, or how to treat her, because I am really upset. I won’t say that I am mad… it is a feeling that is hard to describe. (I am mad about the fact that we don’t know what to do about the car situation, and I am mad that she was irresponsible enough to get behind the wheel with a child in the car if she hadn’t had any sleep for multiple nights, and/or had overdosed on medication.) My wife said that she thought this might not have happened had we let our daughter sleep with her boyfriend. She thinks that her sleeping alone could have worsened her insomnia, and other symptoms. I would hate to think this is my fault, but I guess my wife has a point. My wife, and my daughter’s boyfriend are at the hospital, and I am at home with our other children. My daughter was supposed to leave tomorrow. I don’t know when she’ll leave, now.
Should I feel guilty for what happened? How should I treat my daughter once she gets out of the hospital? What do I say to her? How do I even manage to handle the situation as a whole? I am so overwhelmed.
This was the question from earlier.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmZoaEQAMFAhk1Acp3pZ0Pjsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20091224214634AAyAYJ0
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First of all, you can’t blame yourself for your daughter’s behavior. Borderline Personality Disorder is one of the absolute hardest things to deal with, and I’m telling you from personal experience that your entire family is in for a living hell if that’s what she truly has. My nephew was married to a girl who had this disorder - she was happy one minute, screaming at him the next, clinging onto him as if he was the only person in the world one minute, then shoving him out the door the next. When she felt her meds weren’t working, she’d go off of them and would spiral downward until she eventually cut herself, overdosed on pills, plowed into another car - anything to snap herself back into reality. There have been countless admits into the psych ward to get her stabilized, only to have the entire cycle repeat itself months down the road. Giving into her demands is NOT the way to go with her and you did the right thing with the boyfriend - you probably saved his sanity if your actions make them break up to be honest. The first thing I will recommend is that you buy the book "Stop Walking On Eggshells" - in it you will probably see your daughter’s life being described right in front of you on every page of the book - things you never noticed before will now make sense. This disorder is nothing like being bi-polar, which is a chemical imbalance and easily treatable. BPD is something that can be treated, but it takes years of therapy (Dialectal Behavior Therapy - DBT - to be exact) and your daughter will have to be willing to be treated. I don’t want to sound all doomsday on you, but your best weapon is knowledge, and you have a LOT of reading to do. Please start with the book I suggest - it gives you tools on how to react to your daughter. Do NOT let her control or manipulate you - you and your wife will need to be on the same page, as your daughter is already playing you against each other. As for the accident - I’m not surprised at her behavior, but I am surprised she put another girl’s life in danger - if charges are brought against her, let the chips fall - she needs to know there are consequences for her behavior. This is NOT your typical run-of-the-mill depression you are dealing with - this is an emotional disorder that is believed to be deeply rooted in the function of the brain itself. Good luck to you and your family and I hope I helped somewhat - this is not an easy thing to go through.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amSee a family counsellor.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amhow were you supposed to know that having your daughter sleep on the couch would put her into a deep depression causing hallucinations like imagining a tree is another part of the road, but you don’t want her to get more depressed cause she almost killed her cousin so tell her its all your fault, get her in counseling and be a good parent
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amPlease try to not feel guilty about what happened. It was just that: an ACCIDENT. It might have been prevented but you won’t know. Once they are out of the hospital, at least your daughter, you need to talk to her and ask her what happened. Ask her what attributed to the accident occurring. Don’t say it’s your fault and don’t say it’s hers. Depression is a horrible thing (I have it too) and it surely takes its toll on a person. You splitting them up from sleeping together shouldn’t have played a part in it. What she needs is some therapy (to deal with emotions from the accident as well as pre-existing ones). And you need to be supportive. You cannot be frustrated with her OR yourselves. Accidents are very tragic and you are just lucky she is okay so far. Just pray that she and your niece are okay and pull through this.
The accident is a serious learning example and no one wants another accident to happen. She needs to see someone. You can pay for her sessions and moderate her medications if necessary, and if that’ll assure you all the peace of mind. But she needs help. Believe me, because I have been to that level before. And I’m pulling out of it right now. Medication and therapy help. She needs to be open about things too, which is beyond difficult, but can be and NEEDS to be done.
I am so sorry to hear they are in the hospital and have had an accident and I will be praying for them. You need to stay strong and just be supportive of her. Calmly talk this over later, but remember that NEITHER of you are to blame. These situations always seem easier to deal with if there is someone to blame and take the anger out on. But sometimes, there really is no one to blame. Pay close attention to her, and help her get back on her feet (emotionally).
You’re a good father. Take care of her and give her all the love you can. You are only looking out for her, and now, she needs that support and love more than ever.
Best wishes. Your family is in my prayers.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amRIght now you are going through something very hard. A bad accident that not only put your daughter in the hospital but also revealed some very personal stuff you feel as her father you should have known.
You’re mind is, needless to say, a bit of a mess atm. It’s normal to think you are somehow to blame, but you ARE NOT. If she is an insomniac, then sleeping on the couch as opposed to sleeping with her bf is not going to make it any worse, and the only person I would let convince you otherwise is her doctor.
As far the other issues go, she was likely embarrassed by them and I assume felt old enough, adult enough or mature enough to deal with them on her own, after all if she is a college student now she doesn’t really need to rely on mommy and daddy anymore. I’d leave it alone unless she brings it up, and if she does, be understanding and listen not judgemental or disappointed or angry. If she OD’d on something she likely has a problem, or is developing one and will need some sort of counseling at the very least. Make sure she is getting to the rot of the problem and not just covering it up by treating the symptoms.
I realy hope everything works out, and best wishes for a quick recovery for everyone.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amBS.You need to stop blaming yourself and so does your wife.Your daughter DISOBEYED you in your own home.Why should she get away with that?
Just because she was stupid enough to pull a stunt like that does not mean she did it because of what happened.And even if she did, it was her own ignorance and immaturity that did it.She cannot depend on her boyfriend to get a good nights rest.She also doesn’t need to abuse prescription medication and endanger every ones life on the road.
Maybe this will teach your daughter to use her head and get serious help for her issues.Medication does nothing but cover the problem up.She needs to get down deep inside to help resolve or at least handle it.
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 ami have 2 daughters on my own they do things that will make you angry so do you they are exact replica of you. so what will you want if you were on her position do exactly that
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 amPurple is right on the money - and I don’t think this accident was an "accident". Your daughter needs help only a psychiatrist specializing in this condition can give her. My sympathies for what you are - and will be - going through. Don’t blame yourself - nothing could have prevented it from happening if she is hell-bent on self destruction. People with this disorder have a very low self esteem, are very impulsive and don’t feel "worthy" of love - which is why they eventually push people away that love them. Good luck to you and your wife - hopefully your daughter will be open to treatment. It’s not your fault!
January 4th, 2010 at 5:10 am